Post by cuzosu on Oct 18, 2010 11:16:54 GMT 10
Title says it all, lol. Just remember, pervertedness and bad language should be removed or used with discretion, since this is the General Board and not a mature category.
Puppy Size
This is one of the neatest stories you will ever hear. You will know precisely what this little girl is talking about at the end (you'll want to share this one with your loved ones and special friends)!
'Danielle keeps repeating it over and over again. We've been back to this animal shelter at least five times. It has been weeks now since we started all of this,' the mother told the volunteer.
'What is it she keeps asking for?' the volunteer asked.
'Puppy size!' replied the mother
'Well, we have plenty of puppies, if that's what she's looking for..' 'I know..... We have seen most of them, ' the mom said in frustration...
Just then Danielle came walking into the office
'Well, did you find one?' asked her mom.
'No, not this time,' Danielle said with sadness in her voice. 'Can we come back on the weekend?'
The two women looked at each other, shook their heads and laughed
'You never know when we will get more dogs. Unfortunately, there's always a supply,' the volunteer said.
Danielle took her mother by the hand and headed to the door. 'Don't worry, I'll find one this weekend,' she said.
Over the next few days both Mom and Dad had long conversations with her. They both felt she was being too particular. 'It's this weekend or we're not looking any more,' Dad finally said in frustration.
'We don't want to hear anything more about puppy size, either,' Mom added.
Sure enough, they were the first ones in the shelter on Saturday morning . By now Danielle knew her way around, so she ran right for the section that housed the smaller dogs.
Tired of the routine, mom sat in the small waiting room at the end of the first row of cages. There was an observation window so you could see the animals during times when visitors weren't permitted.
Danielle walked slowly from cage to cage, kneeling periodically to take a closer look.. One by one the dogs were brought out and she held each one.
One by one she said, 'Sorry, but you're not the one.'
It was the last cage on this last day in search of the perfect pup. The volunteer opened the cage door and the child carefully picked up the dog and held it closely. This time she took a little longer.
'Mom, that's it! I found the right puppy! He's the one! I know it!' She screamed with joy. 'It's the puppy size!'
'But it's the same size as all the other puppies you held over the last few weeks,' Mom said.
'No not size... The sighs. When I held him in my arms, he sighed,' she said.
'Don't you remember? When I asked you one day what love is, you told me love depends on the sighs of your heart. The more you love, the bigger the sigh!'
The two women looked at each other for a moment. Mom didn't know whether to laugh or cry. As she stooped down to hug the child, she did a little of both.
'Mom, every time you hold me, I sigh. When you and Daddy come home from work and hug each other, you both sigh. I knew I would find the right puppy if it sighed when I held it in my arms,' she said. Then, holding the puppy up close to her face, she said, 'Mom, he loves me. I heard the sighs of his heart!'
Close your eyes for a moment and think about the love that
makes you sigh. I not only find it in the arms of my loved ones, but in the caress of a sunset, the kiss of the moonlight and the gentle brush of cool air on a hot day…
They are the sighs of God. Take the time to stop and listen; you will be surprised at what you hear. 'Life is not measured by the breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away.'
I hope your life is filled with Sighs!!!
Appreciate every single thing you have, especially your friends! Life is too short and friends are too few.
Love the people who treat you right and forget about the ones who don't.
Jesus Knows (Not the religious forward it sounds like, trust me)
A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables when a voice in the dark said,
'Jesus knows you're here.'
The burglar nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze. When he heard nothing more, he shook his head and continued. Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard
'Jesus is watching you.'
Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. His flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.
'Did you say that?' he hissed at the parrot.
'Yep', the parrot confessed, then squawked, 'I'm just trying to warn you that he is watching you.'
The burglar relaxed. 'Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?'
'Moses,' replied the bird.
'Moses?' the burglar laughed. 'What kind of people would name a bird Moses?'
'The kind of people that would name a Rottweiler Jesus.'
Untitled, semi-religious, spoof:
It got crowded in heaven so, for one day and one day only, it was decided to only accept people who had really bad day on the day they died.
St. Peter was standing at the pearly gates and said to the first man, "Tell me about the day you died." The man said, "Oh, it was awful. I was sure my wife was having an affair, so I came home early to catch her with him. I searched all over the apartment but couldn't find him anywhere. So I went out onto the balcony, we live on the 25th floor, and found this man hanging over the edge by his fingertips. I went inside, got a hammer, and started hitting his hands. He fell, but landed in some bushes. So, I got the refrigerator and pushed it over the balcony and it crushed him. The strain of the act gave me a heart attack, of which I died from."
St. Peter couldn't deny that this was a pretty bad day, and since it was a crime of passion, he let the man in. He then asked the next man in line about the day he died. "Well, sir, it was awful," said the second man. "I was doing aerobics on the balcony of my 26th floor apartment when I twisted my ankle and slipped over the edge. I managed to grab the balcony of the apartment below, but some maniac came out and started pounding on my fingers with a hammer. Luckily I landed in some bushes. But, then the guy dropped a refrigerator on me!"
St. Peter chuckled, let him into heaven and decided he could really start to enjoy this job. "Tell me about the day you died?" he said to the third man in line. "OK, picture this; I'm naked, hiding inside a refrigerator...."
Electric Fence
I know you need a good laugh to brighten up your day and this one will do the trick. There is also a good lesson for you to learn. Make sure you read to the end, it is well worth the time.
If you have ever used an electric fence you should read this
The language used is a bit smutty and/or coarse, but 'he tells it like it is' with out cursing excessively.
If you don't laugh hysterically at this,...CHECK YOUR PULSE...this is funny....and true. This was sent by a retired dentist:
We have the standard 6 ft. fence in the backyard, and a few months ago, I heard about burglaries increasing dramatically in the entire city. To make sure this never happened to me, I got an electric fence and ran a single wire along the top of the fence.
Actually, I got the biggest cattle charger Tractor Supply had, made for 26 miles of fence. I then used an 8 ft. long ground rod, and drove it 7.5 feet into the ground. The ground rod is the key, with the more you have in the ground, the better the fence works.
One day I'm mowing the back yard with my cheapo Wal-Mart 6 hp big wheel push mower. The hot wire is broken and laying out in the yard. I knew for a fact that I unplugged the charger. I pushed the mower around the wire and reached down to grab it, to throw it out of the way.
It seems as though I hadn't remembered to unplug it after all.
Now I'm standing there, I've got the running lawnmower in my right hand and the 1.7 giga-volt fence wire in the other hand. Keep in mind the charger is about the size of a marine battery and has a picture of an upside down cow on fire on the cover.
Time stood still.
The first thing I notice is my pecker trying to climb up the front side of my body. My ears curled downwards and I could feel the lawnmower ignition firing in the backside of my brain. Every time that Briggs & Stratton rolled over, I could feel the spark in my head. I was literally at one with the engine.
It seems as though the fence charger and the piece of shit lawnmower were fighting over who would control my electrical impulses.
Science says you cannot crap, pee, and vomit at the same time. I beg to differ. Not only did I do all three at once, but my bowels emptied 3 different times in less than half of a second. It was a Matrix kind of bowel movement, where time is creeping along and you're all leaned back and BAM BAM BAM you just crap your pants 3 times. It seemed like there were minutes in between but in reality it was so close together it was like exhaust pulses from a big block Chevy turning 8 grand.
At this point I'm about 30 minutes (maybe 2 seconds) into holding onto the fence wire. My hand is wrapped around the wire palm down so I can't let go.. I grew up on a farm so I know all about electric fences ... but Dad always had those piece of shit chargers made by International or whoever that were like 9 volts and just kinda tickled.
This one I could not let go of. The 8 foot long ground rod is now accepting signals from me through the permadamp Ark-La-Tex river bottom soil. At this point I'm thinking I'm going to have to just man up and take it, until the lawnmower runs out of gas.
'Damn!,' I think, as I remember I just filled the tank!
Now the lawnmower is starting to run rough. It has settled into a loping run pattern as if it had some kind of big lawnmower race cam in it. Covered in poop, pee, and with my vomit on my chest I think 'Oh God please die .... Pleeeeaze die'. But nooooo, it settles into the rough lumpy cam idle nicely and remains there, like a big bore roller cam EFI motor waiting for the go command from its owner's right foot.
So here I am in the middle of July, 104 degrees, 80% humidity, standing in my own backyard, begging God to kill me. God did not take me that day ... he left me there covered in my own fluids to writhe in the misery my own stupidity had created.
I honestly don't know how I got loose from the wire ...
I woke up laying on the ground hours later. The lawnmower was beside me, out of gas. It was later on in the day and I was sunburned.
There were two large dead grass spots where I had been standing, and then another long skinny dead spot where the wire had laid while I was on the ground still holding on to it. I assume I finally had a seizure and in the resulting thrashing had somehow let go of the wire.
Upon waking from my electrically induced sleep I realized a few things:
1- Three of my teeth seem to have melted.
2- I now have cramps in the bottoms of my feet and my right butt cheek (not the left, just the right).
3- Poop, pee, and vomit when all mixed together, do not smell as bad as you might think.
4- My left eye will not open.
5- My right eye will not close.
6- The lawnmower runs like a sumbitch now. Seriously! I think our little session cleared out some carbon fouling or something, because it was better than new after that.
7- My nuts are still smaller than average yet they are almost a foot long.
8- I can turn on the TV in the game room by farting while thinking of the number 4 (still don't understand this???).
That day changed my life. I now have a newfound respect for things. I appreciate the little things more, and now I always triple check to make sure the fence is unplugged before I mow.
The good news, is that if a burglar does try to come over the fence, I can clearly visualize what my security system will do to him, and THAT gives me a warm and fuzzy feeling all over, which also reminds me to triple check before I mow.
Friday Learning
The following questions were from last year's GED examination
These are genuine answers (from 16 year olds)............and they WILL breed.
Q. Name the four seasons.
A. Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.
Q. Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.
A. Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.
Q. How is dew formed?
A. The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.
Q. What causes the tides in the oceans?
A. The tides are a fight between the earth and the moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins the fight.
Q. What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on?
A. If you are buying a house they will insist that you are well endowed.
Q. In a democratic society, how important are elections?
A. Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election.
Q. What are steroids?
A. Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs. (Shoot yourself now , there is little hope)
Q.. What happens to your body as you age?
A. When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.
Q. What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
A. He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery. (So true)
Q. Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
A. Premature death.
Q. What is artificial insemination?A. When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow.
Q. How can you delay milk turning sour?
A. Keep it in the cow. (Simple, but brilliant)
Q. How are the main 20 parts of the body categorized? (e.g. The abdomen)
A. The body is consisted into 3 parts - the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels: A, E, I,O,U.. Q. What is the fibula?
A. A small lie
Q. What does 'varicose' mean?
A. Nearby
Q. What is the most common form of birth control?
A. Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium. (That would work)
Q. Give the meaning of the term 'Caesarean section'.
A. The caesarean section is a district in Rome.
Q. What is a seizure?
A. A Roman Emperor. (Julius Seizure, I came, I saw, I had a fit)
Q. What is a terminal illness?
A. When you are sick at the airport. (Irrefutable)
Q. Give an example of a fungus. What is a characteristic feature?
A. Mushrooms. They always grow in damp places and they look like umbrellas.
Q. Use the word 'judicious' in a sentence to show you understand its meaning.
A. Hands that judicious can be soft as your face. (OMG)
Q. What does the word 'benign' mean?
A. Benign is what you will be after you be eight. (brilliant)
Q. What is a turbine?
A. Something an Arab or Shreik wears on his head.
Puppy Size
This is one of the neatest stories you will ever hear. You will know precisely what this little girl is talking about at the end (you'll want to share this one with your loved ones and special friends)!
'Danielle keeps repeating it over and over again. We've been back to this animal shelter at least five times. It has been weeks now since we started all of this,' the mother told the volunteer.
'What is it she keeps asking for?' the volunteer asked.
'Puppy size!' replied the mother
'Well, we have plenty of puppies, if that's what she's looking for..' 'I know..... We have seen most of them, ' the mom said in frustration...
Just then Danielle came walking into the office
'Well, did you find one?' asked her mom.
'No, not this time,' Danielle said with sadness in her voice. 'Can we come back on the weekend?'
The two women looked at each other, shook their heads and laughed
'You never know when we will get more dogs. Unfortunately, there's always a supply,' the volunteer said.
Danielle took her mother by the hand and headed to the door. 'Don't worry, I'll find one this weekend,' she said.
Over the next few days both Mom and Dad had long conversations with her. They both felt she was being too particular. 'It's this weekend or we're not looking any more,' Dad finally said in frustration.
'We don't want to hear anything more about puppy size, either,' Mom added.
Sure enough, they were the first ones in the shelter on Saturday morning . By now Danielle knew her way around, so she ran right for the section that housed the smaller dogs.
Tired of the routine, mom sat in the small waiting room at the end of the first row of cages. There was an observation window so you could see the animals during times when visitors weren't permitted.
Danielle walked slowly from cage to cage, kneeling periodically to take a closer look.. One by one the dogs were brought out and she held each one.
One by one she said, 'Sorry, but you're not the one.'
It was the last cage on this last day in search of the perfect pup. The volunteer opened the cage door and the child carefully picked up the dog and held it closely. This time she took a little longer.
'Mom, that's it! I found the right puppy! He's the one! I know it!' She screamed with joy. 'It's the puppy size!'
'But it's the same size as all the other puppies you held over the last few weeks,' Mom said.
'No not size... The sighs. When I held him in my arms, he sighed,' she said.
'Don't you remember? When I asked you one day what love is, you told me love depends on the sighs of your heart. The more you love, the bigger the sigh!'
The two women looked at each other for a moment. Mom didn't know whether to laugh or cry. As she stooped down to hug the child, she did a little of both.
'Mom, every time you hold me, I sigh. When you and Daddy come home from work and hug each other, you both sigh. I knew I would find the right puppy if it sighed when I held it in my arms,' she said. Then, holding the puppy up close to her face, she said, 'Mom, he loves me. I heard the sighs of his heart!'
Close your eyes for a moment and think about the love that
makes you sigh. I not only find it in the arms of my loved ones, but in the caress of a sunset, the kiss of the moonlight and the gentle brush of cool air on a hot day…
They are the sighs of God. Take the time to stop and listen; you will be surprised at what you hear. 'Life is not measured by the breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away.'
I hope your life is filled with Sighs!!!
Appreciate every single thing you have, especially your friends! Life is too short and friends are too few.
Love the people who treat you right and forget about the ones who don't.
Angels
Women are Angels.
When someone breaks our wings,
we simply continue to fly on a broomstick. . .
We're flexible like that.
Women are Angels.
When someone breaks our wings,
we simply continue to fly on a broomstick. . .
We're flexible like that.
Jesus Knows (Not the religious forward it sounds like, trust me)
A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables when a voice in the dark said,
'Jesus knows you're here.'
The burglar nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze. When he heard nothing more, he shook his head and continued. Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard
'Jesus is watching you.'
Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. His flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.
'Did you say that?' he hissed at the parrot.
'Yep', the parrot confessed, then squawked, 'I'm just trying to warn you that he is watching you.'
The burglar relaxed. 'Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?'
'Moses,' replied the bird.
'Moses?' the burglar laughed. 'What kind of people would name a bird Moses?'
'The kind of people that would name a Rottweiler Jesus.'
Untitled, semi-religious, spoof:
It got crowded in heaven so, for one day and one day only, it was decided to only accept people who had really bad day on the day they died.
St. Peter was standing at the pearly gates and said to the first man, "Tell me about the day you died." The man said, "Oh, it was awful. I was sure my wife was having an affair, so I came home early to catch her with him. I searched all over the apartment but couldn't find him anywhere. So I went out onto the balcony, we live on the 25th floor, and found this man hanging over the edge by his fingertips. I went inside, got a hammer, and started hitting his hands. He fell, but landed in some bushes. So, I got the refrigerator and pushed it over the balcony and it crushed him. The strain of the act gave me a heart attack, of which I died from."
St. Peter couldn't deny that this was a pretty bad day, and since it was a crime of passion, he let the man in. He then asked the next man in line about the day he died. "Well, sir, it was awful," said the second man. "I was doing aerobics on the balcony of my 26th floor apartment when I twisted my ankle and slipped over the edge. I managed to grab the balcony of the apartment below, but some maniac came out and started pounding on my fingers with a hammer. Luckily I landed in some bushes. But, then the guy dropped a refrigerator on me!"
St. Peter chuckled, let him into heaven and decided he could really start to enjoy this job. "Tell me about the day you died?" he said to the third man in line. "OK, picture this; I'm naked, hiding inside a refrigerator...."
THE OUTHOUSE POEM *
(*note: If you don't know what an Outhouse is - ask someone a little older)
The service station trade was slow
The owner sat around,
With sharpened knife and cedar stick
Piled shavings on the ground.
No modern facilities had they,
The log across the rill
Led to a shack, marked His and Hers
That sat against the hill.
"Where is the ladies restroom, sir?"
The owner leaning back,
Said not a word but whittled on,
And nodded toward the shack.
With quickened step she entered there
But only stayed a minute,
Until she screamed, just like a snake
Or spider might be in it.
With startled look and beet red face
She bounded through the door,
And headed quickly for the car
Just like three gals before.
She missed the foot log - jumped the stream
The owner gave a shout,
As her silk stockings, down at her knees
Caught on a sassafras sprout.
She tripped and fell - got up, and then
In obvious disgust,
Ran to the car, stepped on the gas,
And faded in the dust.
Of course we all desired to know
What made the gals all do
The things they did, and then we found
The whittling owner knew.
A speaking system he'd devised
To make the thing complete,
He tied a speaker on the wall
Beneath the toilet seat.
He'd wait until the gals got set
And then the devilish tike,
Would stop his whittling long enough,
To speak into the mike.
And as she sat, a voice below
Struck terror, fright and fear,
"Will you please use the other hole,
We're painting under here!"
(*note: If you don't know what an Outhouse is - ask someone a little older)
The service station trade was slow
The owner sat around,
With sharpened knife and cedar stick
Piled shavings on the ground.
No modern facilities had they,
The log across the rill
Led to a shack, marked His and Hers
That sat against the hill.
"Where is the ladies restroom, sir?"
The owner leaning back,
Said not a word but whittled on,
And nodded toward the shack.
With quickened step she entered there
But only stayed a minute,
Until she screamed, just like a snake
Or spider might be in it.
With startled look and beet red face
She bounded through the door,
And headed quickly for the car
Just like three gals before.
She missed the foot log - jumped the stream
The owner gave a shout,
As her silk stockings, down at her knees
Caught on a sassafras sprout.
She tripped and fell - got up, and then
In obvious disgust,
Ran to the car, stepped on the gas,
And faded in the dust.
Of course we all desired to know
What made the gals all do
The things they did, and then we found
The whittling owner knew.
A speaking system he'd devised
To make the thing complete,
He tied a speaker on the wall
Beneath the toilet seat.
He'd wait until the gals got set
And then the devilish tike,
Would stop his whittling long enough,
To speak into the mike.
And as she sat, a voice below
Struck terror, fright and fear,
"Will you please use the other hole,
We're painting under here!"
Sports Trivia
A little known fact....
The first testicular guard, the "Cup", was used in Hockey in 1874 and the first helmet was used in 1974.
That means it took 100 years for men to realize that their brain is also important.
Ladies, quit laughing.
A little known fact....
The first testicular guard, the "Cup", was used in Hockey in 1874 and the first helmet was used in 1974.
That means it took 100 years for men to realize that their brain is also important.
Ladies, quit laughing.
Electric Fence
I know you need a good laugh to brighten up your day and this one will do the trick. There is also a good lesson for you to learn. Make sure you read to the end, it is well worth the time.
If you have ever used an electric fence you should read this
The language used is a bit smutty and/or coarse, but 'he tells it like it is' with out cursing excessively.
If you don't laugh hysterically at this,...CHECK YOUR PULSE...this is funny....and true. This was sent by a retired dentist:
We have the standard 6 ft. fence in the backyard, and a few months ago, I heard about burglaries increasing dramatically in the entire city. To make sure this never happened to me, I got an electric fence and ran a single wire along the top of the fence.
Actually, I got the biggest cattle charger Tractor Supply had, made for 26 miles of fence. I then used an 8 ft. long ground rod, and drove it 7.5 feet into the ground. The ground rod is the key, with the more you have in the ground, the better the fence works.
One day I'm mowing the back yard with my cheapo Wal-Mart 6 hp big wheel push mower. The hot wire is broken and laying out in the yard. I knew for a fact that I unplugged the charger. I pushed the mower around the wire and reached down to grab it, to throw it out of the way.
It seems as though I hadn't remembered to unplug it after all.
Now I'm standing there, I've got the running lawnmower in my right hand and the 1.7 giga-volt fence wire in the other hand. Keep in mind the charger is about the size of a marine battery and has a picture of an upside down cow on fire on the cover.
Time stood still.
The first thing I notice is my pecker trying to climb up the front side of my body. My ears curled downwards and I could feel the lawnmower ignition firing in the backside of my brain. Every time that Briggs & Stratton rolled over, I could feel the spark in my head. I was literally at one with the engine.
It seems as though the fence charger and the piece of shit lawnmower were fighting over who would control my electrical impulses.
Science says you cannot crap, pee, and vomit at the same time. I beg to differ. Not only did I do all three at once, but my bowels emptied 3 different times in less than half of a second. It was a Matrix kind of bowel movement, where time is creeping along and you're all leaned back and BAM BAM BAM you just crap your pants 3 times. It seemed like there were minutes in between but in reality it was so close together it was like exhaust pulses from a big block Chevy turning 8 grand.
At this point I'm about 30 minutes (maybe 2 seconds) into holding onto the fence wire. My hand is wrapped around the wire palm down so I can't let go.. I grew up on a farm so I know all about electric fences ... but Dad always had those piece of shit chargers made by International or whoever that were like 9 volts and just kinda tickled.
This one I could not let go of. The 8 foot long ground rod is now accepting signals from me through the permadamp Ark-La-Tex river bottom soil. At this point I'm thinking I'm going to have to just man up and take it, until the lawnmower runs out of gas.
'Damn!,' I think, as I remember I just filled the tank!
Now the lawnmower is starting to run rough. It has settled into a loping run pattern as if it had some kind of big lawnmower race cam in it. Covered in poop, pee, and with my vomit on my chest I think 'Oh God please die .... Pleeeeaze die'. But nooooo, it settles into the rough lumpy cam idle nicely and remains there, like a big bore roller cam EFI motor waiting for the go command from its owner's right foot.
So here I am in the middle of July, 104 degrees, 80% humidity, standing in my own backyard, begging God to kill me. God did not take me that day ... he left me there covered in my own fluids to writhe in the misery my own stupidity had created.
I honestly don't know how I got loose from the wire ...
I woke up laying on the ground hours later. The lawnmower was beside me, out of gas. It was later on in the day and I was sunburned.
There were two large dead grass spots where I had been standing, and then another long skinny dead spot where the wire had laid while I was on the ground still holding on to it. I assume I finally had a seizure and in the resulting thrashing had somehow let go of the wire.
Upon waking from my electrically induced sleep I realized a few things:
1- Three of my teeth seem to have melted.
2- I now have cramps in the bottoms of my feet and my right butt cheek (not the left, just the right).
3- Poop, pee, and vomit when all mixed together, do not smell as bad as you might think.
4- My left eye will not open.
5- My right eye will not close.
6- The lawnmower runs like a sumbitch now. Seriously! I think our little session cleared out some carbon fouling or something, because it was better than new after that.
7- My nuts are still smaller than average yet they are almost a foot long.
8- I can turn on the TV in the game room by farting while thinking of the number 4 (still don't understand this???).
That day changed my life. I now have a newfound respect for things. I appreciate the little things more, and now I always triple check to make sure the fence is unplugged before I mow.
The good news, is that if a burglar does try to come over the fence, I can clearly visualize what my security system will do to him, and THAT gives me a warm and fuzzy feeling all over, which also reminds me to triple check before I mow.
Can
you imagine the Nun sitting at her desk grading
these papers, all the while trying to keep a
straight face and maintain her
composure! (I know I couldn't!)
PAY
SPECIAL ATTENTION TO THE WORDING AND
SPELLING. IF YOU KNOW THE BIBLE EVEN A
LITTLE, YOU'LL FIND THIS HILARIOUS! IT
COMES FROM A CATHOLIC ELEMENTARY SCHOOL
TEST.
KIDS
WERE ASKED QUESTIONS ABOUT THE OLD AND NEW
TESTAMENTS. THE FOLLOWING STATEMENTS ABOUT
THE BIBLE WERE WRITTEN BY CHILDREN. THEY
HAVE NOT BEEN RETOUCHED OR CORRECTED.
INCORRECT SPELLING HAS BEEN LEFT IN.
1.
IN THE FIRST BOOK OF THE BIBLE, GUINESSIS, GOD
GOT TIRED OF CREATING THE WORLD SO HE TOOK THE
SABBATH OFF.
2.
ADAM AND EVE WERE CREATED FROM AN APPLE
TREE. NOAH'S WIFE WAS JOAN OF ARK.
NOAH BUILT AN ARK AND THE ANIMALS CAME ON
IN PEARS.
3.
LOTS WIFE WAS A PILLAR OF SALT DURING THE DAY,
BUT A BALL OF FIRE DURING THE NIGHT.
4.
THE JEWS WERE A PROUD PEOPLE AND THROUGHOUT
HISTORY THEY HAD TROUBLE WITH UNSYMPATHETIC
GENITALS.
5.
SAMPSON WAS A STRONGMAN WHO LET HIMSELF BE LED
ASTRAY BY A JEZEBEL LIKE DELILAH.
6.
SAMSON SLAYED THE PHILISTINES WITH THE AXE
OF THE APOSTLES.
7.
MOSES LED THE JEWS TO THE RED SEA WHERE
THEY MADE UNLEAVENED BREAD WHICH IS BREAD
WITHOUT ANY INGREDIENTS.
8.
THE EGYPTIANS WERE ALL DROWNED IN THE DESSERT.
AFTERWARDS, MOSES WENT UP TO MOUNT CYANIDE
TO GET THE TEN COMMANDMENTS.
9.
THE FIRST COMMANDMENT WAS WHEN EVE TOLD ADAM TO
EAT THE APPLE.
10.
THE SEVENTH COMMANDMENT IS THOU
SHALT NOT ADMIT ADULTERY.
11.
MOSES DIED BEFORE HE EVER REACHED CANADA.
THEN JOSHUA LED THE HEBREWS IN THE
BATTLE GERITOL.
12.
THE GREATEST MIRICLE IN THE BIBLE IS WHEN JOSHUA
TOLD HIS SON TO STAND STILL AND HE OBEYED HIM.
13.
DAVID WAS A HEBREW KING WHO WAS SKILLED AT
PLAYING THE LIAR. HE FOUGHT THE FINKELSTEINS, A
RACE OF PEOPLE WHO LIVED IN BIBLICAL TIMES.
14.
SOLOMON, ONE OF DAVID'S SONS, HAD 300 WIVES AND
700 PORCUPINES.
15.
WHEN MARY HEARD SHE WAS THE MOTHER OF JESUS, SHE
SANG THE MAGNA CARTA.
16.
WHEN THE THREE WISE GUYS FROM THE EAST SIDE
ARRIVED THEY FOUND JESUS IN THE MANAGER.
17.
JESUS WAS BORN BECAUSE MARY HAD AN IMMACULATE
CONTRAPTION.
18.
ST. JOHN, THE BLACKSMITH, DUMPED WATER ON
HIS HEAD.
19.
JESUS ENUNCIATED THE GOLDEN RULE, WHICH SAYS TO
DO UNTO OTHERS BEFORE THEY DO ONE TO YOU.
HE ALSO EXPLAINED A MAN DOTH NOT LIVE
BY SWEAT ALONE.
20.
IT WAS A MIRICLE WHEN JESUS ROSE FROM THE DEAD
AND MANAGED TO GET THE TOMBSTONE OFF THE
ENTRANCE.
21.
THE PEOPLE WHO FOLLOWED THE LORD WERE CALLED THE
12 DECIBELS.
22.
THE EPISTELS WERE THE WIVES OF THE APOSTLES.
23.
ONE OF THE OPPOSSUMS WAS ST. MATTHEW, WHO WAS
ALSO A TAXIMAN.
24.
St. PAUL CAVORTED TO CHRISTIANITY. HE PREACHED HOLY
ACRIMONY WHICH IS ANOTHER NAME FOR
MARRAIGE.
25.
CHRISTIANS HAVE ONLY ONE SPOUSE. THIS IS CALLED
MONOTONY.
you imagine the Nun sitting at her desk grading
these papers, all the while trying to keep a
straight face and maintain her
composure! (I know I couldn't!)
PAY
SPECIAL ATTENTION TO THE WORDING AND
SPELLING. IF YOU KNOW THE BIBLE EVEN A
LITTLE, YOU'LL FIND THIS HILARIOUS! IT
COMES FROM A CATHOLIC ELEMENTARY SCHOOL
TEST.
KIDS
WERE ASKED QUESTIONS ABOUT THE OLD AND NEW
TESTAMENTS. THE FOLLOWING STATEMENTS ABOUT
THE BIBLE WERE WRITTEN BY CHILDREN. THEY
HAVE NOT BEEN RETOUCHED OR CORRECTED.
INCORRECT SPELLING HAS BEEN LEFT IN.
1.
IN THE FIRST BOOK OF THE BIBLE, GUINESSIS, GOD
GOT TIRED OF CREATING THE WORLD SO HE TOOK THE
SABBATH OFF.
2.
ADAM AND EVE WERE CREATED FROM AN APPLE
TREE. NOAH'S WIFE WAS JOAN OF ARK.
NOAH BUILT AN ARK AND THE ANIMALS CAME ON
IN PEARS.
3.
LOTS WIFE WAS A PILLAR OF SALT DURING THE DAY,
BUT A BALL OF FIRE DURING THE NIGHT.
4.
THE JEWS WERE A PROUD PEOPLE AND THROUGHOUT
HISTORY THEY HAD TROUBLE WITH UNSYMPATHETIC
GENITALS.
5.
SAMPSON WAS A STRONGMAN WHO LET HIMSELF BE LED
ASTRAY BY A JEZEBEL LIKE DELILAH.
6.
SAMSON SLAYED THE PHILISTINES WITH THE AXE
OF THE APOSTLES.
7.
MOSES LED THE JEWS TO THE RED SEA WHERE
THEY MADE UNLEAVENED BREAD WHICH IS BREAD
WITHOUT ANY INGREDIENTS.
8.
THE EGYPTIANS WERE ALL DROWNED IN THE DESSERT.
AFTERWARDS, MOSES WENT UP TO MOUNT CYANIDE
TO GET THE TEN COMMANDMENTS.
9.
THE FIRST COMMANDMENT WAS WHEN EVE TOLD ADAM TO
EAT THE APPLE.
10.
THE SEVENTH COMMANDMENT IS THOU
SHALT NOT ADMIT ADULTERY.
11.
MOSES DIED BEFORE HE EVER REACHED CANADA.
THEN JOSHUA LED THE HEBREWS IN THE
BATTLE GERITOL.
12.
THE GREATEST MIRICLE IN THE BIBLE IS WHEN JOSHUA
TOLD HIS SON TO STAND STILL AND HE OBEYED HIM.
13.
DAVID WAS A HEBREW KING WHO WAS SKILLED AT
PLAYING THE LIAR. HE FOUGHT THE FINKELSTEINS, A
RACE OF PEOPLE WHO LIVED IN BIBLICAL TIMES.
14.
SOLOMON, ONE OF DAVID'S SONS, HAD 300 WIVES AND
700 PORCUPINES.
15.
WHEN MARY HEARD SHE WAS THE MOTHER OF JESUS, SHE
SANG THE MAGNA CARTA.
16.
WHEN THE THREE WISE GUYS FROM THE EAST SIDE
ARRIVED THEY FOUND JESUS IN THE MANAGER.
17.
JESUS WAS BORN BECAUSE MARY HAD AN IMMACULATE
CONTRAPTION.
18.
ST. JOHN, THE BLACKSMITH, DUMPED WATER ON
HIS HEAD.
19.
JESUS ENUNCIATED THE GOLDEN RULE, WHICH SAYS TO
DO UNTO OTHERS BEFORE THEY DO ONE TO YOU.
HE ALSO EXPLAINED A MAN DOTH NOT LIVE
BY SWEAT ALONE.
20.
IT WAS A MIRICLE WHEN JESUS ROSE FROM THE DEAD
AND MANAGED TO GET THE TOMBSTONE OFF THE
ENTRANCE.
21.
THE PEOPLE WHO FOLLOWED THE LORD WERE CALLED THE
12 DECIBELS.
22.
THE EPISTELS WERE THE WIVES OF THE APOSTLES.
23.
ONE OF THE OPPOSSUMS WAS ST. MATTHEW, WHO WAS
ALSO A TAXIMAN.
24.
St. PAUL CAVORTED TO CHRISTIANITY. HE PREACHED HOLY
ACRIMONY WHICH IS ANOTHER NAME FOR
MARRAIGE.
25.
CHRISTIANS HAVE ONLY ONE SPOUSE. THIS IS CALLED
MONOTONY.
Friday Learning
The following questions were from last year's GED examination
These are genuine answers (from 16 year olds)............and they WILL breed.
Q. Name the four seasons.
A. Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.
Q. Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.
A. Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.
Q. How is dew formed?
A. The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.
Q. What causes the tides in the oceans?
A. The tides are a fight between the earth and the moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins the fight.
Q. What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on?
A. If you are buying a house they will insist that you are well endowed.
Q. In a democratic society, how important are elections?
A. Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election.
Q. What are steroids?
A. Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs. (Shoot yourself now , there is little hope)
Q.. What happens to your body as you age?
A. When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.
Q. What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
A. He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery. (So true)
Q. Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
A. Premature death.
Q. What is artificial insemination?A. When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow.
Q. How can you delay milk turning sour?
A. Keep it in the cow. (Simple, but brilliant)
Q. How are the main 20 parts of the body categorized? (e.g. The abdomen)
A. The body is consisted into 3 parts - the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels: A, E, I,O,U.. Q. What is the fibula?
A. A small lie
Q. What does 'varicose' mean?
A. Nearby
Q. What is the most common form of birth control?
A. Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium. (That would work)
Q. Give the meaning of the term 'Caesarean section'.
A. The caesarean section is a district in Rome.
Q. What is a seizure?
A. A Roman Emperor. (Julius Seizure, I came, I saw, I had a fit)
Q. What is a terminal illness?
A. When you are sick at the airport. (Irrefutable)
Q. Give an example of a fungus. What is a characteristic feature?
A. Mushrooms. They always grow in damp places and they look like umbrellas.
Q. Use the word 'judicious' in a sentence to show you understand its meaning.
A. Hands that judicious can be soft as your face. (OMG)
Q. What does the word 'benign' mean?
A. Benign is what you will be after you be eight. (brilliant)
Q. What is a turbine?
A. Something an Arab or Shreik wears on his head.